The Hidden gate of spiritual jail

How the misuse of spiritual power led me into darkness - and why healing is the only way forward

By Lux ROSE

This was the first essay I shared on Substack. It was the firstborn piece — it came through whole.

It tells a story from my own path: how I misused the power of manifestation, what I learned from the darkness that followed, and how I returned to a life of healing and alignment.

I hope it serves anyone who has wrestled with the shadow side of this work — or who is seeking to bring their gifts into the world with greater wisdom.

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The Subtle Seduction of Success

I met my own personal hell through a series of manifestation experiments over a decade.

At first, there was an innocence to it. I discovered my thoughts could change reality, and I played with that.

But the ego loves to play too — and mine quickly got involved.

I began to see myself as a powerful sorcerer, able to shape fate for myself and others. I wished revenge upon people — never harmful, always adding “for the highest good of all involved.”

But sometimes the highest good is for you to learn a very hard lesson.

I used the magic wand to expel people who were cruel to me, wishing them happiness — elsewhere. And it worked. But I did not see the reverberation coming down the line.

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When the Field Reflects Our Shadows

Manifestation energy, when combined with ego, brings dark consequences that ripple through the field. The field reflects your inner darkness so it can be healed.

Not long before I left Maui, I tattooed a man at a Friday the 13th party — the greatest evil I’ve ever met.

His eyes held both a glint and a dead emptiness. He seemed not quite human.

He got a tattoo of a spider and a rose. During the session, I learned he was dealing MDMA while on probation. He also mentioned his mother had just died — with no sadness, only a strange enjoyment.

Later it came out he had likely killed her. Months after I tattooed him, he was arrested for the murder of his pregnant ex-girlfriend — the act committed either the day before, or the day of, that party.

I had tattooed pure evil. I bought MDMA from him and shared it.

From that point, my life darkened. A friend spiraled into addiction after using the MDMA I’d provided. I was kicked out of my home.

Soon I left Maui, landing in the East Bay with a lover, living in a punk house, indulging dark fantasies. His insatiable hunger connected with mine.

I was drowning in consequences. My ego, addicted to the magic wand, was being crushed by it.

At my darkest moment, I walked to the bridge, considering jumping.

There I saw another man who looked as lost as I felt. In that moment, a surge of love rose in me — a light I had forgotten. I heard a voice: “You once prayed to be a beacon in the darkness. Now you must pray to receive the light.”

And so I did.

Though the descent would continue, from that day I began receiving true light.

The field amplifies what we give it. Darkness tempts those aware of the magic — it is the dealer of lessons.

When you declare yourself a sorcerer to the Giant of all Giants, the universe will show you where you are not.

I began to heal — slowly. But the habit of wielding the wand was hard to break.

I had altered the lives of others, not always for good. The back-ripples must be faced to be released.

When the pandemic hit, I returned to Maui. I had written a script for my life — and got exactly what I’d asked for.

But it did not go well. I had tampered too much, and now my life was being tampered with. I lost friends, was injured, caught Covid.

I began to realize: Leave the specifics to the universe. Focus on how you want to feel.

The more specific I was, the harder the consequences. But when I prayed for healing, healing came.

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The Lure of False Light

Later, a friend from San Francisco invited me to attend a meditation-based college in a small Midwestern town.

It sounded cultish. She laughed, saying I didn’t have to adopt their beliefs — just learn the meditation. She even arranged a tattoo job and a place to stay.

Driving there, I saw a headline: “Two Iowa teenagers kill their Spanish teacher.” The town I was heading toward. Upon arrival, I felt it — that same dead darkness with a glint on top. A mask hiding something empty or sinister.

My friend had changed — colder, calculated, with a veneer of kindness masking something darker. I saw this same glint in many eyes there — among loyal meditators, among evangelicals. A hollowness crowned by mischief or fear.

I lasted one semester. I loved the studies — neuroscience, physics, ancient wisdom. But the meditation opened me to something dark. Others had the same experience. Many who grew up in the group battled depression, narcissism, addiction. And there was a deeper undercurrent too dangerous to name.

The meditation opened the mind not to holy energy, but to the unseen. The guru promised followers enlightenment — but none could achieve it perfectly. 

He fed their egos, told them they were special. But the true key is GRATITUDE — and that was not what was taught.

The alpha state makes one suggestible. The true highest frequency is not any superior frequency, but the harmony of all frequencies.

No one can give you awakening. The moment you grasp for it outside yourself, the ego steps in. “I am the special one.” Or, “I will never be enough.” This is how gurus prey upon seekers — by promising perfection and demanding devotion.

A generation of children abandoned by parents chasing that illusion.

That town became my long dark night of the soul.

But it was here, I finally began to heal.

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The Breaking Point

The dark magic had taken its toll. 

I executed one last manifestation — trying to impose my will on another. This time, it was as if a lightning bolt struck the wand from my hand. The friend — and others I had meddled with — fell away.

I realized: Why am I trying to keep people who harm me, or who don’t want to stay?

Alone in a tiny town, I descended into illness and heartbreak. Ego stripped away, my soul left bare.

I faced myself. I had harmed others by interfering with their paths.

One echoing truth became clear: The only safe intention for me was healing.

I called my power back. I declared: All my energy will now be used to heal my mind, body, heart, and soul. From there, my intentions will align with the highest good.

I began to heal.

I manifested a perfect therapist to help with my medical PTSD. A perfect dentist. A perfect doctor. I healed my mother and father wounds. I ate clean food. I practiced Pilates, kayaked, stayed in solitude. Ultimately, I created the healthiest, happiest version of myself I have known.

In silence, I allowed the field to speak through me — instead of commanding it. I learned: we cannot help but do the magic. It moves through us, guided by our attention. We must focus not on specifics, but on how we want to feel.

The field arranges events to match our internal state. So we must begin with our own wellness.

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The Gift of Spiritual Jail

Spiritual jail is not a punishment. It is a doorway to something magnificent. It gives us time to pause, reflect, and heal. For some, it comes at death’s door. For others, after a breakup. For me, it was a tiny cult town in vast cornfields.

No matter how it shows up, the purpose is the same: to give you space to heal. To own your sovereignty.

What do you truly stand for? Popularity? Fame? Wealth? Approval? Or your own wellness and the wellness of the world? If we do not heal our own trauma first, we will cause harm when trying to create for others.

For love to overcome fear, we must first love ourselves fiercely — so what we create is worth living. 

Good does not come from church or guru. It is within us. Religion and ideology give wolves a place to hide. Following allows us to be led. 

Spiritual jail brings us back to ourselves.

You may wonder: What if my highest good is in opposition to someone else’s? That is the ego speaking. The ego does not want to dissolve into interconnectedness. Spiritual jail teaches: your highest good IS the good of the collective. When you connect to your highest self, your being benefits all.

It’s not a technique. Not a trophy. Not a free pass. It is a state of resonance, embodied. Your body knows when something is in alignment. Trust that knowing.

Perhaps you have forgotten that love. Perhaps you chase security over connection.

Spiritual jail says: Come taste the world when everything else falls away. Come find that joy has always lived within you. Come find the gratitude that makes a nest in your heart.

Here you learn: chasing wealth or status leads only to greater hunger. Here you learn: the world is about how you see, speak, and think.

So you sit with yourself. Have a cup of tea.

And ask each day: How can I heal? What needs healing? And you give gratitude. And the ripples begin to ripple back — in ways that heal.

Spiritual jail is a gift.